DEAR PLANET SMOOTHIE,
Thank you for creating the Frozen Goat. It is the most wonderful concoction of coffee, bananas, cocoa, nonfat milk, yogurt and energy blast, with the 2nd lowest sugar content on your menu. If you move back to my neighborhood I will visit you every day.
Unfortunately that was my only happy letter today. Now on to the rest...
DEAR IDIOT LADY RIDING WITH A BABY IN A STROLLER IN THE BED OF A PICKUP TRUCK:
I hereby sentence you to a Hysterectomy. Your appointment is at 10am Monday morning.
DEAR KIM KARDASHIAN: CELEBRITY FOR WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHY
So, you're getting married on Saturday. I'm so sorry to hear that you have broken out in a stress-induced-heart-shaped patch of psoriasis.That's precious, but I REFUSE to click on to the photo...sorry. Did you get the WalMart Gift Card I sent you for a wedding present?
DEAR OLD LADY IN PUBLIX WITH THE PURPLE SCRUNCHIE IN YOUR WHITE HAIR,
I appreciate your gushing at how kind I was, when I pointed you to the salad dressing aisle. You told me I was so kind and helpful. I guess you didn't recognize me. I'm the asshole shift manager from The Shower Gel Store that wouldn't let you do a fraudulent return. You definately didn't call me kind and helpful that day.
DEAR GUYS IN THE PICKUP YESTERDAY AFTERNOON WHEN THE GIRLS TRACK TEAM WAS DOING THE 3 MILE LOOP IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD,
KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD!! YOU DROVE ONTO THE SIDEWALK AFTER YOU PASSED THEM WITH YOUR EYES STUCK TO THE REARVIEW MIRROR!! YOU ARE GOING TO KILL SOMEONE!!
DEAR SPLENDA:
You are sooooo not a reasonable baking substitute for sugar. You make my morning coffee drinkable but the recipe for the Sugar-Free Icing pretty much ruined a perfectly good batch of Sugar-Free Cupcakes. Have a little compassion for the Desperate Diabetic family and work on a better recipe. TY.
Little Miss Sunshine State writes her pretend letters with a Hello Kitty Pencil.
Showing posts with label Jerks In Public Places. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jerks In Public Places. Show all posts
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Friday, March 5, 2010
Friday Night At The Maul
I just spent a Friday night training at our maul mall store. What a night!
I need to address a few issues:
Is this a food court or a high school cafeteria? Holy Chick-fil-A! Teenagers in groups of 15 and 20. Really loud teenagers.
Speaking of Chick-fil-A, I'm going to say something that may get my ass kicked back to Massachusetts. In attempting to eat something healthy from the foodcourt, I've been avoiding the 3 Asian places, Mickey D's, Auntie's Ginormous Pretzel Store and Big Gigantic Cinnamon Bun Store. I have tried to eat the Grilled Chicken Sandwich at Chick-fil-A. I have even tried to LIKE the Grilled Chicken Sandwich at Chick-fil-A.
I REALLY don't like the Grilled Chicken Sandwich at Chick-fil-A. They are one of the most boring things on the planet. I think not liking Chick-fil-A is the sort of thing that's frowned upon in the South. They really love their Chick-fil-A. That's because they're eating the Chick-fil-A Chicken Sandwich that has 17!!!!!!!!! grams of fat.
I'll stop saying Chick-fil-A now.
Speaking of teenagers, now I'm going to say something that may make mothers of little white tweenagers really mad.
WTF????? Do you ALL drop your little girls off at the mall on Friday nights, dressed like little prostitutes? Do you know they come into our store and TRASH the place? 90% of these bands of roaming Britney Spears Wannbees spent the evening taking things off the display tables and dropping them on the floor. When we asked them to pick up the items, they rolled their eyes and giggled. We strongly suspect a few of them did a little shoplifting.
Can I give a SHOUT OUT to ALL the little African-American and Caribbean tweenage girls who came into our store tonight? You behaved yourselves like young ladies. You were respectful toward us and our store. Your Mamas must be really proud of you. I did realize that many of you were WITH your Mamas, but I bet you behave the same way when they're not around.
I LOVED the Asian woman who came into the store and kept showing me products and asking me "What is this?". After I told her a few of the names, she said "I'm learning my English!"
Why haven't I bought stock in Build-A-Bear? I saw at least 25 boxes from their store tonight.
It's midnight and I have to be back at themaul mall at 9 am. It will be my last training session, then I'm back to my own store. I won't miss the Friday nights at all.
I need to address a few issues:
Is this a food court or a high school cafeteria? Holy Chick-fil-A! Teenagers in groups of 15 and 20. Really loud teenagers.
Speaking of Chick-fil-A, I'm going to say something that may get my ass kicked back to Massachusetts. In attempting to eat something healthy from the foodcourt, I've been avoiding the 3 Asian places, Mickey D's, Auntie's Ginormous Pretzel Store and Big Gigantic Cinnamon Bun Store. I have tried to eat the Grilled Chicken Sandwich at Chick-fil-A. I have even tried to LIKE the Grilled Chicken Sandwich at Chick-fil-A.
I REALLY don't like the Grilled Chicken Sandwich at Chick-fil-A. They are one of the most boring things on the planet. I think not liking Chick-fil-A is the sort of thing that's frowned upon in the South. They really love their Chick-fil-A. That's because they're eating the Chick-fil-A Chicken Sandwich that has 17!!!!!!!!! grams of fat.
I'll stop saying Chick-fil-A now.
Speaking of teenagers, now I'm going to say something that may make mothers of little white tweenagers really mad.
WTF????? Do you ALL drop your little girls off at the mall on Friday nights, dressed like little prostitutes? Do you know they come into our store and TRASH the place? 90% of these bands of roaming Britney Spears Wannbees spent the evening taking things off the display tables and dropping them on the floor. When we asked them to pick up the items, they rolled their eyes and giggled. We strongly suspect a few of them did a little shoplifting.
Can I give a SHOUT OUT to ALL the little African-American and Caribbean tweenage girls who came into our store tonight? You behaved yourselves like young ladies. You were respectful toward us and our store. Your Mamas must be really proud of you. I did realize that many of you were WITH your Mamas, but I bet you behave the same way when they're not around.
I LOVED the Asian woman who came into the store and kept showing me products and asking me "What is this?". After I told her a few of the names, she said "I'm learning my English!"
Why haven't I bought stock in Build-A-Bear? I saw at least 25 boxes from their store tonight.
It's midnight and I have to be back at the
Monday, March 16, 2009
WisDUHm
WisDUHm #1- If you walk into the store and rudely wave me away as I'm walking up to ask if you need any help, I might not be too thrilled about helping you the next time you come in. I'll smile and help you, but I won't go above or beyond like I do with our pleasant customers.
WisDUHm #2- If you are a JV Girl's soccer coach at the high school that you went to with my kids, DO NOT have sex with one of your 14 year old players, even if you think she ( and the whole team) is flirting with you. You are an adult, she is a child, it's a small town and everyone knows your parents. Idiot.
WisDUHm #3- If your beloved Black and Decker Iron dies and you replace it with a cheapo $8 iron, it WILL NOT get the wrinkles out of your clothes and 6 months later you will be at BB&B buying a new iron. Little Miss Sunshine State LOVES her new SUNBEAM iron.
WisDUHm #4-When you buy Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs and leave them in the car while you spend 2 hours at a spa and then go grocery shopping on an 80 degree day, they will become a bag of chocolately-peanut buttery mush. I resuscitated them in the fridge and ate them anyway. (Yes, the whole bag in 4 days. I didn't give up chocolate or peanut butter for Lent)
WisDUHm #2- If you are a JV Girl's soccer coach at the high school that you went to with my kids, DO NOT have sex with one of your 14 year old players, even if you think she ( and the whole team) is flirting with you. You are an adult, she is a child, it's a small town and everyone knows your parents. Idiot.
WisDUHm #3- If your beloved Black and Decker Iron dies and you replace it with a cheapo $8 iron, it WILL NOT get the wrinkles out of your clothes and 6 months later you will be at BB&B buying a new iron. Little Miss Sunshine State LOVES her new SUNBEAM iron.
WisDUHm #4-When you buy Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs and leave them in the car while you spend 2 hours at a spa and then go grocery shopping on an 80 degree day, they will become a bag of chocolately-peanut buttery mush. I resuscitated them in the fridge and ate them anyway. (Yes, the whole bag in 4 days. I didn't give up chocolate or peanut butter for Lent)
Friday, December 21, 2007
Nice and Naughty
NICE: A day to myself, all alone. The new girl at work that made the BEST peanut butter fudge ever and brought a couple of pounds of it to work. The Vietnamese family that runs the little pizza place around the corner.
NAUGHTY: The customer who tried to rip me a new one yesterday. She waited until 12/20 to place a catalog order and is all Chrissmassypissy because it won't arrive until after Christmas because we won't waive the extra $20 for Overnight Shipping for her. TIFFANY'S DID IT!!!!!!!!!!! She's boycotting our store. She's cutting up her Bottery Parn credit card. She's throwing away the $25 REWARD CERTIFICATE we sent her for being a frequent shopper. And she yelled at me and stomped out of the store. I waved and said "Bye! Have a good weekend!"
NAUGHTY: The customer who tried to rip me a new one yesterday. She waited until 12/20 to place a catalog order and is all Chrissmassypissy because it won't arrive until after Christmas because we won't waive the extra $20 for Overnight Shipping for her. TIFFANY'S DID IT!!!!!!!!!!! She's boycotting our store. She's cutting up her Bottery Parn credit card. She's throwing away the $25 REWARD CERTIFICATE we sent her for being a frequent shopper. And she yelled at me and stomped out of the store. I waved and said "Bye! Have a good weekend!"
Friday, November 16, 2007
I Didn't Help Him Find The Carrots
This is the half-of-a-loud-conversation I overheard in the grocery store tonight.
He was stomping up and down the canned vegetable aisle in a fury.
What do you want? I'm in the grocery store.
(Pause)
I can't find the flipping canned carrots.
(Pause)
I've been up and down this aisle twice!!!!!!
(Pause)
NO, I'M NOT GOING TO IKEA WITH YOU!!! AND YOU DON'T NEED TO GO TO IKEA EITHER!!!!!
(Pause)
I don't CARE what your friend says. Your friend is AN IDIOT!!!!
(Pause)
NO, I'M NOT!!!! I CAN'T FIND THE CARROTS!!!!!!!!
He had stormed past the canned carrots 3 times. I think he spotted the "you are an asswipe" look on my face.
He was stomping up and down the canned vegetable aisle in a fury.
What do you want? I'm in the grocery store.
(Pause)
I can't find the flipping canned carrots.
(Pause)
I've been up and down this aisle twice!!!!!!
(Pause)
NO, I'M NOT GOING TO IKEA WITH YOU!!! AND YOU DON'T NEED TO GO TO IKEA EITHER!!!!!
(Pause)
I don't CARE what your friend says. Your friend is AN IDIOT!!!!
(Pause)
NO, I'M NOT!!!! I CAN'T FIND THE CARROTS!!!!!!!!
He had stormed past the canned carrots 3 times. I think he spotted the "you are an asswipe" look on my face.
Do You Think They Care?
I'm just wondering. Do you think they care.....?
When people haven't bathed or washed their clothes do they care that other people want to gag from the smell?
When the people upstairs let the kids run from one end of the apartment to the other do you think they care that the dishes in my kitchen cabinets are rattling and it sounds like the ceiling is going to cave in?
When you are in the store having a really loud conversation on your cell phone and the only reason you came in is because you couldn't hear your conversation over the traffic outside,do you care that it is SOOOOOOOOOOOO rude and annoying?
When they park their car so close to yours in a parking lot do you think they care that you can't get in your car?
When they get giant fake boobage and they wear shirts that barely cover their giant fake boobage do they care that while I'm happy that they are happy with their giant fake boobage, that I don't really care to SEE their giant fake boobage?
Does anybody care?
When people haven't bathed or washed their clothes do they care that other people want to gag from the smell?
When the people upstairs let the kids run from one end of the apartment to the other do you think they care that the dishes in my kitchen cabinets are rattling and it sounds like the ceiling is going to cave in?
When you are in the store having a really loud conversation on your cell phone and the only reason you came in is because you couldn't hear your conversation over the traffic outside,do you care that it is SOOOOOOOOOOOO rude and annoying?
When they park their car so close to yours in a parking lot do you think they care that you can't get in your car?
When they get giant fake boobage and they wear shirts that barely cover their giant fake boobage do they care that while I'm happy that they are happy with their giant fake boobage, that I don't really care to SEE their giant fake boobage?
Does anybody care?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
