Thursday, August 18, 2011

Don't Make Me Write You A Letter!

DEAR PLANET SMOOTHIE,
Thank you for creating the Frozen Goat. It is the most wonderful concoction of coffee, bananas, cocoa, nonfat milk, yogurt and energy blast, with the 2nd lowest sugar content on your menu. If you move back to my neighborhood I will visit you every day.

Unfortunately that was my only happy letter today. Now on to the rest...

DEAR IDIOT LADY RIDING WITH A BABY IN A STROLLER IN THE BED OF A PICKUP TRUCK:
I hereby sentence you to a Hysterectomy. Your appointment is at 10am Monday morning.


DEAR KIM KARDASHIAN: CELEBRITY FOR WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHY
So, you're getting married on Saturday. I'm so sorry to hear that you have broken out in a stress-induced-heart-shaped patch of psoriasis.That's precious, but I REFUSE to click on to the photo...sorry. Did you get the WalMart Gift Card I sent you for a wedding present?

DEAR OLD LADY IN PUBLIX WITH THE PURPLE SCRUNCHIE IN YOUR WHITE HAIR,
I appreciate your gushing at how kind I was, when I pointed you to the salad dressing aisle. You told me I was so kind and helpful. I guess you didn't recognize me. I'm the asshole shift manager from The Shower Gel Store that wouldn't let you do a fraudulent return. You definately didn't call me kind and helpful that day.

DEAR GUYS IN THE PICKUP YESTERDAY AFTERNOON WHEN THE GIRLS TRACK TEAM WAS DOING THE 3 MILE LOOP IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD,
KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD!! YOU DROVE ONTO THE SIDEWALK AFTER YOU PASSED THEM WITH YOUR EYES STUCK TO THE REARVIEW MIRROR!! YOU ARE GOING TO KILL SOMEONE!!

DEAR SPLENDA:
You are sooooo not a reasonable baking substitute for sugar. You make my morning coffee drinkable but the recipe for the Sugar-Free Icing pretty much ruined a perfectly good batch of Sugar-Free Cupcakes. Have a little compassion for the Desperate Diabetic family and work on a better recipe. TY.

Little Miss Sunshine State writes her pretend letters with a Hello Kitty Pencil.




6 comments:

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Oy! The letter to the customer particularly made me chuckle. And the hysterectomy sentence is brilliant.

Gail said...

Thanks for my morning laugh! Brilliant writing. I especially like that you write your pretend letters with a Hello Kitty pencil!

Becca said...

excellent

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I write letters in my head all the time--that is if I'm not writing blog posts or tweets in my head!

Suzanne Casamento said...

You are HILARIOUS.

A Hello Kitty pencil...

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

Laughing on the floor this morning!