Bear With Me

We live in an area with Black Bears. Every now and then we hear a story of a bear in someone's yard. One lady found one swimming in her pool. Mr Sunshine has seen them on the golf course in the early morning and the elementary school, in that same neighborhood, where Sorority Girl is interning had a Bear Drill! 2 weeks ago.

Last year there was a story about a local nutcase who was leaving rotisserie chickens in his back yard for the bears. One night he forgot to leave the chicken and a bear banged on the door. When he opened the door, the bear smacked him in the face! If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'.

Most of these sightings were at least 2 miles from our large apartment complex. We take our trash to a community dumpster in the center of the complex. Imagine my surprise last week when I saw this sign at the dumpster area...

This is NOT a little black bear, but I don't really need an excuse to show you a little black kitten (who thinks I'm her mama)

Losing The Sweetie Girls

The Massachusetts court has determined that a mother can decide to cut her children off from their father's family. She can poison the minds of two pre-teen girls into believing that their father is a deadbeat dad. She has coached the older girl to say things to him like "get out of my life".

It doesn't matter that their dad sees them at least 8 days a month for movies, dinners, just hanging out together, buys them clothes, takes them to gymnastics every week and the beach. He has made sure that they are known and loved by their dad's family. He has $350 a week automatically taken out of his pay for child support. They have received gifts from aunties and had sleepovers with their cousins and their grandmother.

Yesterday the court said their mother does not have to abide by the previous visitation order if she feels that the dad is an "inadequate father". They are not required to have any further contact with their dad or his family.

He has been fighting this battle for 7 years now. He is completely defeated and we're heartbroken.

Don't Make Me Write You A Letter!

DEAR PLANET SMOOTHIE,
Thank you for creating the Frozen Goat. It is the most wonderful concoction of coffee, bananas, cocoa, nonfat milk, yogurt and energy blast, with the 2nd lowest sugar content on your menu. If you move back to my neighborhood I will visit you every day.

Unfortunately that was my only happy letter today. Now on to the rest...

DEAR IDIOT LADY RIDING WITH A BABY IN A STROLLER IN THE BED OF A PICKUP TRUCK:
I hereby sentence you to a Hysterectomy. Your appointment is at 10am Monday morning.


DEAR KIM KARDASHIAN: CELEBRITY FOR WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHY
So, you're getting married on Saturday. I'm so sorry to hear that you have broken out in a stress-induced-heart-shaped patch of psoriasis.That's precious, but I REFUSE to click on to the photo...sorry. Did you get the WalMart Gift Card I sent you for a wedding present?

DEAR OLD LADY IN PUBLIX WITH THE PURPLE SCRUNCHIE IN YOUR WHITE HAIR,
I appreciate your gushing at how kind I was, when I pointed you to the salad dressing aisle. You told me I was so kind and helpful. I guess you didn't recognize me. I'm the asshole shift manager from The Shower Gel Store that wouldn't let you do a fraudulent return. You definately didn't call me kind and helpful that day.

DEAR GUYS IN THE PICKUP YESTERDAY AFTERNOON WHEN THE GIRLS TRACK TEAM WAS DOING THE 3 MILE LOOP IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD,
KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD!! YOU DROVE ONTO THE SIDEWALK AFTER YOU PASSED THEM WITH YOUR EYES STUCK TO THE REARVIEW MIRROR!! YOU ARE GOING TO KILL SOMEONE!!

DEAR SPLENDA:
You are sooooo not a reasonable baking substitute for sugar. You make my morning coffee drinkable but the recipe for the Sugar-Free Icing pretty much ruined a perfectly good batch of Sugar-Free Cupcakes. Have a little compassion for the Desperate Diabetic family and work on a better recipe. TY.

Little Miss Sunshine State writes her pretend letters with a Hello Kitty Pencil.

Overdoing The Overdue

The other night I was in bed reading my latest library book, The Irresistable Henry House. A library receipt fell out. I knew it wasn't mine because I post mine on the fridge so I won't forget the due date and this one had someone else's name on it.

Even though I do this, I occasionally have overdue books. I keep a change purse in my library bag to cover my late fees. They usually don't exceed $3.

I don't know where "Julia" has been, but her receipt was in my book. She had paid overdue fees on 4 books. Either "Julia" is a very slow reader, went on an extended vacation, or worse, she was sick. The total for the overdue fees she paid was...

$110

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't think she paid this from a change purse in her library bag.

It's Like Panda Bear Weed

Conversation in my living room:

%... "You know, in the Casey Anthony case, her Mom said she was the one who searched for Chloroform because she thought her bamboo plants were making her dogs sleepy. She thought they might be getting poisoned. If bamboo were poison, there would be no Panda bears."

&..."I think it's like Eucalyptus making Koalas chill. I heard if they don't eat Eucalytpus, they're really violent animals. It might be the same with Pandas and bamboo."

%..."Like Panda Bear Xanax?"

&..."More like Panda Bear Weed"

And this is where I almost peed my pants.

Salmonella And Jelly Sammy

We eat a lot of peanut butter. I have a deep love for peanut butter and banana sandwiches. I'm pretty loyal to the Skippy. It's what I grew up on. My Dad's idea of dessert was a slice of white bread with a thick layer of Skippy. I've tried the all-natural stuff at the fresh market, but it just wasn't the same.

Have you ever sat with a jar of Skippy, a knife and a pile of Hershey Kisses and.....No? Is THAT how I got my fat-ass?

Back in January of 2009, Mom came down with a case of Salmonella that we traced back to the deadly jar of Peter Pan Peanut Butter in her kitchen cabinet. She was VERY sick and it took her about a month to get over it. I used to be a microbiology tech so I get a little skittish when the news reports recalls for Salmonella and E.coli

When I heard this week that Skippy was recalling Reduced Fat peanut butter I wasn't too worried about my stash. We buy the full-fat version....HellYeah! But the first thing I did was call Mom to check hers. As soon as I said Salmonella she hobbled to the kitchen and confirmed that she had Skippy Reduced Fat in her closet. Thankfully, none of the expiration dates that are recalled matched the jar in her closet.

Whew! A case of salmonella 6 weeks before her back surgery could have been a disaster.

We can all eat our PBJ's with peace of mind. And my mind can fondly recall my fat ass days of Skippy and Hershey Kisses.

Shopping Bag Induced Humiliation

I have a confession...

My name is Little Miss Sunshine State and I buy my underpants at Lane Bryant. It's really expensive and really comfortable and stands up to about 1,000 trips through the washer and dryer.

Since I've lost 40 pounds, I can now wear the smallest size underwear from Lane Bryant.
I bought 4 new pairs. This is the bag that the saleswoman put them in.




IT IS HALF AS BIG AS MY QUEEN SIZE BED QUILT!!

I stood there with the bag in my hands. REALLY??? This is the smallest bag they have?
I folded it 4 or 5 times until it was about 12 inches x 12 inches before I walked out of the store.

Because nothing says I HAVE A FAT ASS like walking around a shopping center with a bag that has 5 inch tall letters that say LANE BRYANT.

Has This Ever Happened To You?

Have you ever accepted a promotion at work? Did your brains hurt?

It happened to me this week. I finished the first half of my training. I was in the medical field from 1976 to 2006. My brain cells have always been wired for understanding medical/health issues. This week I spent 27 hours studying Role Clarity, Business Insight, Action Plans and Performance Reporting. Next week will be a repeat of this week.

Have you ever had a house guest with Sleep Apnea? Did YOU get any sleep?

My Mom has had sleep apnea for 12 years. She refuses to be treated for it. She tried the CPAP machine and it gave her high anxiety, so she ditched it. She will snore for about 15 minutes, then be silent for 10-30 seconds, then GASP! GASP! CHOKE! then go back to the 15 minutes of snoring. I find myself laying awake, counting the seconds until she starts snoring again. I think our friend (who was an RN) and I convinced her to get another sleep study done.

Have you ever seen a family of little piggies? Have you ever seen a family of little piggies running along the side of a major interstate highway? Did you laugh out loud?

I was about 12 miles south of Tampa today on Route 75 when I thought I saw a group of small dogs running alonside the road. When I got closer I realized it was a Mama, Papa and three baby piggies. They were so cute that I started laughing. Then I smacked my forehead and said "WHERE IS MY CAMERA AT TIMES LIKE THIS??"

Have you ever met a fellow blogger, in person? I did, the last time Bossy came to town. I met 5 other bloggers that night. We laughed a lot that night.

Tomorrow, I'm meeting another blogger, who has come with her Michigan family to visit her Florida family. I'M BRINGING MY CAMERA!

Merry SWAT Team Christmas!

I just got home from a 10 hr shift at the Shower Gel store, which is conveniently located in the same plaza as, and next door to, WMART.

Here's the scenario:

6pm=Little Miss Sunshine State is ringing up customers. She is looking forward to leaving in 30 minutes. She looks up just in time to see a dozen customers RUN into the store, turn around and paste their faces up against the windows and doors.

6:02pm=A co-worker runs past me and I see my boss head for the front of the store and lock the door.

6:03pm= A customer tells me there is a guy in WMART with a shotgun. He ran in through the garden center and made a beeline for the electronics dept.

6:04pm=The police have arrived and we hear that the SWAT team is on their way.

6:10pm=The SWAT team has the gunman out of WMART and in the parking lot in the front of our store. He is surrounded by 6 SWAT team officers that are pointing guns at the young suspect. NO ONE is moving.

6:30=We're all still standing at the store windows. The young suspect is now face-down on the ground in front of our store. The young suspect is crying "Mommy! I want my Mommy!"

6:45=The young suspect is in the police car. We can let customers out of the store.

7:00pm= I get out of work and run into WMART for a few stocking stuffers for my Mr SS.
I ask the cashier at the garden center if her heart rate is back to normal. She rolled her eyes at me and said "Honey, you're in WMART. We just kept ringing up the sales."

7:15=I walk to my car. I chatted with one of the SWAT Team officers. He said "just another night on the job". Young suspect's Mommy has arrived. She looks like she wants to break the boy in half. Young suspect looks like he's lucky that he's locked in the car.

Merry SWAT Team Christmas, Young Suspect.